By Laura Kirk-Francis
Welcome back, sports fans.
Strap in – we’ve still got over 2 hours to get through. If you haven’t already, go back and read the first part of my foray into Barton’s podcast. Or, don’t, because I have a funny feeling we’re going to be revisiting some of these topics…
LEZ DO DIS.
32:00 – Just past the half an hour mark and we’re onto the topic of education education education. Barton explains he felt ‘hemmed in’ by school, and then goes on to hypothesise that nowadays, he probably would have been told that he had ADHD. Fox (Laurence Fox, for the newbies) replies ‘Oh, don’t get me started on that’. Fox then very much gets started on that, declaring that ADHD is the 2nd most diagnosed disease in kids after asthma, and that he admired Dr. Gabor Mate on the Joe Rogan show. The fact we’ve got this far in a podcast fronted by 2 men without mentioning Joe Rogan is surprising to me.
34:13 – Moving swiftly on, Fox says the world is not a perfect place, and that leftism ‘is dominating everything nowadays. The Left want zero everything – they want zero death’. I don’t really know what this means but zero death sounds like a decent policy to me?
35:11 – Via a completely unexplained reference to Megan Rapinoe, we’re now talking about the divorce courts, which Fox says are ‘designed entirely for women’. In fairness, he might have some experience in this area.
35:15 – Fox says he doesn’t hang out with any women. I pass away in shock.
(35:15 – Ok what he actually says is ‘I don’t hang around with any women who talk about the patriarchy. If they start talking about it I’ll start talking to them about the family court system and war’. My poor sweet Billie, at least you are free now.)
37:41 – Barton says he was actually in Bristol when the statue of Edward Colston was pulled down, and explains that although Colston ‘made his money doing some dodgy stuff, tobacco….slaves’, he also built hospitals and schools, which is true. We then make a bit of a leap to talking about Jimmy Saville’s grave which gives me mild whiplash.
40:41 – Barton talks a bit about Sporting Chance, an organisation that helped him through addiction and anger management issues. This is followed be a quite funny misunderstanding between the two of them:
Barton: “I met a fantastic guy [at Sporting Chance] called Peter Kay – not the comedian Peter Kay”
Fox: “Is he the one that wrote the chimpanzee book?”
Barton: “No that’s Steve Peters – The Chimp Paradox”.
47:10 – Ok so we’re back to talking about education and what kids are taught in schools. We’re not yet an hour in but I suspect we’re going to be revisiting some of the topics we’ve already discussed. For my own reference I might start colour coding them. Anyway, Fox says ‘I felt school was designed for girls who had pencil cases and who organised their shit well on the desk and wanted to listen.’ In fairness, this was 100% me at school so I feel quite seen.
50:10 – Back to acting and the film industry. Fox states that the standard has definitely got lower, and that he loves watching ‘Top Gun and Braveheart on repeat’. He says he recently saw a trailer for a new film, which is essentially ‘just two gay guys falling in love and crying’. I’m immediately excited for this apparent Brokeback Mountain reboot. He laments the lack of ‘swords and machine guns’.
52:57 – We get a momentary insight into Barton’s preparation for this podcast which included googling ‘Laurence’s controversies’ – this seems a pretty efficient research technique if you ask me.
As we approach the hour mark, I am genuinely starting to flag. If you’ve made it this far, respect to you.
This does not slip, we go again.
56:16 ‘MELTING POT’ KLAXON.
58:15 – Ok we’re sort of back to black and white privilege. Barton questions why it’s fine to have the MOBO awards but not the MOWO awards. He then mispronounces Ku Klux Klan. Look, everyone stumbles over their words and I did giggle at this – messing up words is funny in the same way that farts are funny. Fox then says he has a real problem with the n word…Oh god, he’s not going to is he…
59:17 – Nope. Herein follows a 3 minute conversation about how words mean different things to different people. Fox says there isn’t a word you could call him now that would offend him. I dunno man, I’d say taking legal action against someone who called you racist would suggest you were at least a bit offended. Fox subsequently calls Jeremy Vine a ‘bike nonce’. The man will never learn.
1:06 – We’re getting close to completing our woke bingo card with this next discussion: Climate Change. Barton states that ‘they’ve fixed the ozone layer anyway’. This conjures up an image of tradesman on ladders hammering away at the atmosphere. Think I’m losing it a bit…
1:13 – We move swiftly onto a brief discussion on class. Fox explains that he went into politics to, in essence, stand up for the little people, and not for the rich people (‘You know, not the people with BUPA, gardens, and shit’ – fairplay, Lozza, that’s actually quite an accurate summary of rich people)
1:24 – Ok back we go to the film industry and Fox complains that he’s sick of films that are ‘all about a blind LGBTQ+ refugee in a wheelchair with a down syndrome child.’ I mean this sounds like a good film to me but Fox just says he misses Top Gun and he misses Rocky.
Right. We’re halfway. Someone get the orange slices and the half-time pep talk.
1:25 – I zone out slightly and snap back just as Fox says ‘You’re a fat cow!’ Is he talking..to me? Oh wait, we’re on body positivity. We end up talking about how vapes are bad. They are bad – no further comment from me, your honour
1:29 – Ok I genuinely struggled to follow here. We go quickly from being a father and wanting to leave the planet a better place…to the global conflict, to the 2nd World War, Hiroshima, 1945, to how governments can control us, the industrial complex, to Sunak sending £2bn to Ukraine….to how people are more interested in criticising Fox and Barton. I got lost in the middle a bit but I find my way back at the end.
1:31 – TRUMP! There you are! But of course. Fox asserts that ‘The world was peaceful for 4 years’ while Trump was in power.. They both do an impression of Trump saying China, and then Vivek No-Surname gets a mention again. At this point you can just tell Fox is desperate to mention his personal relationship with Trump – ‘He’s actually a really nice guy, I’ve spent time with him’. Barton responds that he’s played at Trump’s golf courses, which is definitely the same thing.
We then arrive at #MeToo, and Fox says that we always forget that our shared relatives (‘who were male’) gave their lives to this country and we never talk about it. We never talk about it? Trust me Laurence, if this nation had its way we’d all be spending Saturdays cosplaying the Blitz.
1:37 – Ok now this is interesting to me, as an avid Twitter user. Fox talks about how his Twitter settings only allow him to essentially see people he follows or wants to see….which seems counter to this ENTIRE podcast apparently being about ‘wanting to have a sensible discussion with people who disagree with you’. He then says that Twitter is a place where ‘I want other people to talk rather than me’. A quick check and Fox’s pinned tweet is a 22 minute video of himself talking.
1:38 – Referring again to the controversy Barton has caused with his tweets, Barton proudly states that ‘I can do this because I don’t work for anyone’. Weird flex but ok.
1:39 – Now one thing you need to know about me is I LIVE for people saying idioms slightly wrong (myself included). Barton declares that he ‘swam on the gravy train of football’. It kinda works!? He then asserts that he didn’t want to be famous, and that he didn’t ask for this ‘notoriety’. Interesting.
1:43 – Ok we’re really really flagging now so let’s rattle through even quicker. Fox says that ‘Borders are going to be called racist very very soon…3 or 4 years and just saying the word borders will mean you’re a massive racist’. I don’t have the energy to point out how ludicrous this is.
1:52 – Fox starts an anecdote with ‘I said this in court the other day’ which is quite funny really.
1:55 – We get into a bit about Fox’s political party, The Reclaim Party, and then arrive at a conversation about Sol Campbell running for London Mayor because he ‘couldn’t get a job as a football coach’. Barton says that ‘Just because you’re a good player doesn’t mean you’d be a good manager’. Again Barton has some experience here, because he was neither.
2:00 – More impressions of Trump saying ‘China’.
2:09 – We rattle through the final bits of woke bingo – Tommy Robinson & Katie Hopkins (‘She’s great!’). Fox refers to Barton as a ‘scouse Roy Keane but with a nicer touch’. He clarifies that he means first touch in football. Of all the things I’ve heard today, this has to be the most insane.
2:12 – Fox talks about his haters being mainly Guardian journalists. He absolutely loves what he calls ‘shag comedy’, which consists of saying ‘I’m not going to shag you, babe’ as a put down. I would mock, but Piers Morgan blocked me on Twitter for writing ‘He’s never going to shag you, mate’ under one of his tweets about Ronaldo.
2:14 – If you’re going to listen to any of this, make it this anecdote Barton tells about meeting a C-list celebrity who he doesn’t want to name (and then immediately names as Martin from Homes Under The Hammer) who was being arrogant at Glastonbury.
I can see the finish line…
2:20 – The next 10 minutes is another discussion on immigration and I really am losing the plot a bit.
2:38 – Fox talks about being arrested in his London home for making comments appearing to encourage people to vandalise Ulez cameras. He says that while he was kept in a cell overnight, an unidentified officer came to the door, popped a brownie through the little window, and whispered “Keep up the good work’. Very cool.
2:41 – WE’VE MADE IT. Barton finishes by saying that ‘I could talk to you all afternoon, Laurence’ – is that not what we’ve been doing here?!
And, scene.
As a final point, I have tried to listen with a genuine wish to understand a point of view that differs from mine. Somewhere in the nearly 3 hours of audio, Barton very clearly states that he 100% believes what he has been sharing on Twitter, which is sort of reassuring and scary in equal measure, and that the more people attack him the more he intends to double down. (I can’t remember when this was, please don’t make me go back through it again to find it).
For now though, my work here is done. If you’ve got nearly 3 hours to spare, go and give it a listen, or maybe just watch one of the Lord of the Rings films instead – Two Towers would be my preference.
(Uh-oh… there’s another episode,…’Wondergoals, Government LIES & Golfing at Augusta’ with Matt Le Tissier…tempting…)
Laura Kirk-Francis 
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